Is your grandmother this cool?

My cool-as-shit grandmother is going to be 82 this weekend. You can read the crotch mahogany story if you missed it, to get a sense of her humor. This apple truly didn’t fall far from the tree.

She grew up in Alabama and believe me, she made the most of it. Story after story of badness. My favorite involves her inadvertently outing a member of the Triple Ks. (no way am I going to put that acronym on my blog)

I’m not sure, but I think she was around 10 or 12 at the time when she was playing at a friend’s house, so we’re talking @ mid 1930s. They were digging around in a closet, when they ran across a white hood and robe belonging to the playmate’s father. Knowing full well that they weren’t supposed to touch it, my grandmother donned that fucker and wore it outside and even down the street. She got her ass severely beat for it, but says it was worth every lick. At the time, her motivation was for laughs. It wasn’t until years later that she fully realized what she had done – and that makes her laugh even harder today. I’m telling you, she is awesome.

I always have the hardest time buying something for her. She has everything she wants and I can’t buy her typical old-lady stuff. She would be completely hurt and offended. She doesn’t act old-ladyish at all. In fact she’s quite hip. It hasn’t been that long ago that we were at a flea market (her idea, not mine). I was arguing with this dumbass man and my GM walks up behind him and does the Loooooser hand signal on her forehead.

So you see, a new pair of house slippers just ain’t gonna get it. I bought her a pistol a couple years ago. Yes, a real one. She takes it to the lake with her to shoot snakes when she goes fishing. That’s her favorite gift of all time, from me anyway.

So I’m agonizing… any suggestions?